Guide to a Breakup

Breakups suck.  But how does one deal with a breakup other than buying pints of ice-cream bing watching chick flicks, like The Notebook, and The Vow, and He’s Just Not That Into You all the while playing pop heartbreak songs in the background?  Well, since one of my good friends is sadly coping with a breakup and another one of my friend’s is finally acknowledging and dealing with a breakup, I think the world needs a guide to breakups.

1.  If the breakup was bad, or you got hurt, or it wasn’t mutual (which it normally isn’t), erase this person’s number from your phone (and unfriend him or her on the Facebook if you may ever be inclined to message them).  This way temptation to talk to the person that hurt you is reduced and no drunken texts will occur.  Cutting off communication may be tough in the beginning but it makes moving on easier.

 

2.  Spend time with your friends again.  Did you miss any movie nights because it was date night?  Well don’t mope around your place alone, immerse yourself in your friendships again because your friends are the people who make you laugh, listen to you, and love you no matter what.  You will automatically be in a good mood, and positivity is what you need post breakup.

 

3.  Talk about it.  That’s what your friends are here for.  But, depending on how long the relationship was, you should give yourself a grace period of how long you can discuss it.  This is out of politeness to your friends because they will offer advice and be the ear when needed, but don’t rehash the same things over and over again and talk about it because you’re wallowing in sadness.  Just know that if you were only together a week, and things ended, you don’t get six months to talk about the breakup.  Plenty of other things have happened since then.  Essentially, don’t talk it to death.

 

4.  Enjoy being single.  Don’t think you need someone to complete you or that couples make you sick and you’re the only single person out there.  Being single rocks, you don’t have to answer to anyone, you get to do you, plan your schedule around you.  The world finally revolves around you again, so eat it up.

 

5.  Express yourself.  Talking about your feelings is one thing, but let your rage, sadness, or frustration out in other ways.  Use the breakup as inspiration and motivation to do something awesome in life.  You don’t want the breakup to hold you back.

 

6.  Keep in mind a few mantras: if it’s meant to be it will work out in the end; an ex is an ex for a reason, and it’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.  The first two will remind you that the breakup was needed, so you don’t go thinking after a few months that you should mend things and try again.  Those are exceptions to relationships, but for the most part, you shouldn’t try to make a relationship work after it failed once.  And the last mantra is to remind you that life is short, and if you experience love, however briefly, and you enjoy someone’s company and know what it’s like to be vulnerable, you learn something about yourself.  YOLO, so do and be all that you can.

 

7.  Try something new at least once a week.  After a breakup, you don’t want to get into a mundane routine which gets you missing the person because he or she used to be part of said routine.  Since you’re single you can do things on a whim, be spontaneous, and go crazy every now and then, so take advantage of that.

 

8.  Remember that this is a breakup and not the end of the world.  You’re still alive, life is good, you can move on.  Don’t be too dramatic and don’t become cynical or pessimistic about relationships.  Breakups are a part of life because finding the right person takes time and is a guess and check process.

 

9.  Take your time in being alone.  You shouldn’t surround yourself with people constantly to avoid thinking about your ex and addressing your feelings.  Being able to be alone and happy is a learned phenomenon but a necessary one to be happy with yourself as a person.  And when you are alone, face your feelings because ignoring them won’t make them go away.

 

10.  Be sure to smile.  Don’t let your inner turmoil turn you into a negative nancy or a debbie downer.  You’re beautiful and your smile is your best accessory.  You might make someone’s day, you might catch someone’s eye, and universe forbid you run into your ex; you’ll look like you’ve got your life together.  A smile goes a long way.

Reality Check

Going to college is like living in your own little bubble.  Your priorities are school, your health, and maintaining and building relationships (not necessarily in that order for everyone).  Your biggest worries are maybe the paper you need to write, that interview on Friday, when was the last time you went to the gym?, laundry is piling up and clean underwear sounds pleasant, what are your plans this Saturday night, and why isn’t that guy responding to your texts.  All of those “issues” seem so relevant in college because that makes up your existence.

But, sometimes, especially myself, a good reality check is needed and necessary to help keep in mind, there’s life outside of college and the world doesn’t revolve around my selfish life.  Especially as teenagers and young adults, we’re intrinsically self-centered, and when life decides to show you that’s not how it should be, it can be extremely eye opening, shocking, upsetting, and a plethora of other emotions.

I’ve had two recent reality checks, the first made more of an impact, though, but I’d like to discuss both.  A friend had texted me that there was a message on Facebook from her, and when I read it, I should be sitting down.  I assumed it was about she and her boyfriend, so while amongst a group of friends I proceeded to read a devastating tale about a friend I used to work with.  Said friend had suffered a heart attack, several mini strokes, a blood clot in her head, and wasn’t breathing on her own.  I called my friend and proceeded to repeat the phrases, “I can’t believe it” and “Oh my gosh,” for twenty minutes and then as I cried a close friend comforted me for about an hour.

Earlier that day I was frustrated because classes had been cancelled and I had work to finish that could no longer work on.  I was worried about upcoming events and deadlines.  I was just existing in my bubble, and this terrible news, it shook me.  Life is so fragile, and in an instant it can be severed or change forever.  Luckily, my friend is doing so much better, breathing on her own, posting things on Facebook, and recovering, and I am so thankful.  Sometimes in college, I forget to take the time to care for my friends and family that aren’t with me.  I can get so caught up in the now, and my life, that birthdays slip by unnoticed, writing letters gets put on the back burner, making phone calls just seems to take up too much time from my life.  And that shouldn’t be the case because you can’t get time back and you don’t want to regret not talking to someone or telling someone you love them because you were living in your bubble.

Today in my Nonfiction II class, we discussed minimum wage jobs, welfare, and economic status because we had just read a passage from Barbara Ehrenreich’s book, Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America.  The information is unsettling.  How do single mothers work two jobs and pay rent and buy groceries to feed their children?  How can anyone work two jobs, barely sleeping, barely getting by, and just to survive?  How do people manage to stay positive about life while suffering this special kind of miserable penury?  I don’t know, and this reading, really shook me.  I am so grateful that I am even going to college and receiving an incredible education because not everyone has that opportunity because of finances.  I know I complain that some of my friends have things handed to them (cars, college tuition is paid for, rent is covered by their parents, etc), but just the fact that I am here means a lot to me.  I’m fortunate that I don’t have to work and put myself through school (I’ll just be in debt when I graduate).  I may not be swimming in money, but I have a meal plan that supplies me with food every day, I have a comfortable dorm, and am living with a friend, and I have transportation to get me places, and I can afford extra items, such as frozen yogurt when I crave it or a blazer for a job interview.

We all have our selfish moments and sometimes we merely exist in our own little world, but in the bigger scheme of things, nothing is as bad as it seems.  Though we think our problems are massive and terrible, somewhere out there someone has it so much worse.  So next time I am stressing over a paper I need to write, I am going to take the time to appreciate that I’m learning at college and have the opportunity to gain an education by writing this paper.  Reality check: I don’t have reason to complain.

It’d Be So Much Easier…

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That moment when your stomach drops, you can’t stop shaking, and tears sting the back of your eyes, and all of a sudden you wonder what went wrong?  A breakup.  Those are typically incredibly difficult to do, not just for the the person losing someone special but also for the person calling off the relationship.

Usually, we don’t fall in love with a high school sweetheart, get married, start a life, and end up in rocking chairs next to one another overlooking the beach after we’ve grown old.  The average person will be in and out of various relationships, hurt people’s feelings, get hurt themselves, experience lust, fall in love, fall out of love, find someone new, etc.  It’s quite an emotional task, and the sad part is, what if one never finds love?  What if all the searching, heartache, butterflies, kisses, promises, are to no avail?

I’ve been doing some thinking, and wouldn’t it just be easier if we all came with a code?  A mix of letters and numbers that floated above our heads, and in order to find “the one” we’d just have to find someone to match our code?  This way you’d know, going into a relationship, if the person didn’t match your code, it wouldn’t end well and you could prepare for the worst.  You could still have flings, but you’d know you wouldn’t fall in love and no one would actually get hurt because the codes don’t match.  And once you found your match, you’d have your happy ending, and you’d know it.  There wouldn’t be as much heartache and you wouldn’t find “the one” too late after you married the wrong person for you.

Yes, it would be a tad robotic and much like a videogame hunt, but wouldn’t it make things easier?  Let’s face it, breaking up with someone, telling someone you’re not into them, asking someone out, getting rejected, letting yourself be vulnerable, it’s daunting and can end terribly.  Wouldn’t it just be easier to avoid the conflicts?  That way no one would get hurt.

A Tad Frightening

I’m a definite introvert.  I don’t like going to large parties, especially when I don’t know many people.  In larger groups, I become the wallflower.  My hobbies include things I do alone: writing and painting.  I always need some time to myself to recharge.  I also tend to ask a lot of questions, yes because I am curious, but also because I don’t like to share that much.  I like to listen to what people have to say.

I have a nice number of friends, but for the most part, most of them don’t know all about me.  Some people are missing the puzzle pieces of my past while others lack knowledge of my previous relationships and my take on love.  Sure, there are friends who could write a book about me, but I also have friends that I don’t feel comfortable confiding in.  I’ve talked about trust in a few blog posts before and as stated previously, there are only a couple friends that I genuinely trust.

I have this one friend who is probably the nicest person I have ever met, and if not, he’s up there high on the list.  He’s also an introvert, and maybe that’s why I seem to click with him.  But, he’s a rare person because when I’m around him I feel completely comfortable.  I never feel like I have to hide anything, or act a certain way, and he never hurts my feelings.  And I know I can tell him anything.  It’s a tad frightening in fact because I can be so honest and open and vulnerable with him.  He never judges and he never takes what I say and tells other people.  I act myself, incredibly weird and random, yet I talk a lot.  And it’s a bit scary because I know I tell him a lot.  It’s an exhilarating feeling as well because it’s so freeing knowing I don’t have to worry about what I say.  But, at the same time, like I said, it’s a bit terrifying because I always wonder since I am compelled to share around him, will I ever say too much?

 

 

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Relentless

The first crush I ever had was a blonde haired boy in Pre-K.  I never talked to him and never got hurt.  He was someone I liked from afar and as a little kid I didn’t think of anything progressing; he just made my heart skip a beat.  But, in kindergarten, he was replaced with a boy named Slade, a smooth talking guy. Our moms were tight, and I drew him pictures of us, that his mother adored, but other than those pieces of art, and occasional conversing (of which I don’t remember), I was never going to tell him that I liked him, whatever that meant at such a young age.

I then remember liking a friend during elementary school named Michael, and I remember he did confess how he felt, but I wasn’t sure I felt the same way, and again I wasn’t interested in anything progressing as more than just friends.  When you’re young, liking someone simply means you like being around them, boys have cooties and thusly little girls just think about the boy but never actually do anything about it.  And in a way, that allows us to not experience a broken heart.  In middle school, I liked a boy named Brad, he was obsessed with orange (still is), and he was extremely funny and nice, but this time though I did talk to him, but I never dreamed of confessing how I felt about him, though.

Later in middle school, I liked another boy named Mike, and I guess we became boyfriend and girlfriend; it was just established that we both liked each other and others in my class knew, yet my parents didn’t.  However, I secretly liked his friend Andrew, but I never dared say anything, even though I’m fairly certain Andrew liked me too.  And eventually Mike and I “broke up,” which basically meant we were no longer friends and no longer hung out, which was fine by me as he went on to become a playa.

Freshman year of high school, I went out with a friend I met in math class.  I liked him but eventually the liking fizzled out for me, and after I broke up with him I remembered thinking how good it felt to be single because boyfriends can cause stress and if they are insecure about themselves, that makes a relationship even worse.

From then on, I went on to two more boyfriends, a few dates, and despite the worst of it all: being cheated on, being yelled at by a boyfriend, experiencing a broken heart,  and just growing up and realizing what I need in a relationship and what I don’t; I’ve come to the conclusion that young people are relentless.  We make mistakes about who we become more than friends with, but we learn from those mistakes.  We get hurt, and even if it seems absolutely awful, we bounce back.  We have friends who let us vent and we overcome our miseries.  We are meant to be crushed because we can take it, because we must learn that life isn’t fair and life can be difficult and a struggle, but we get through it.

So last night, I made it a point to tell a friend of mine of five years that I’ve liked him for a very long time.  I had kept my feelings close to me for more than two years because I never knew how he felt and he’s also friends with one of my exes, so I didn’t want  to complicate things.  But, last night I told him, and I explained why I feel the way I do.  And I was going into it pessimistically, assuming he didn’t feel the same way.  As it turns out, he likes me too, which is incredible because as of now I can’t stop smiling and I feel like I’m on cloud nine, but that’s beside my point.  I was prepared for rejection because I knew I could handle it.  I knew I could put myself out there because that’s what growing up is about.  Growing up is learning who you are, not being afraid to be yourself, taking chances, and experiencing every emotion from utter happiness to anger to sadness.  And if I had been too afraid of getting hurt, I would have never discovered that my friend feels the same way.

We are relentless and we need to embrace that great quality because it allows us to grow up.

Actions Speak Louder Than Words

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In writing it is so much better to show rather than tell.  You shouldn’t simply say: she was sad.  You should show: she wiped at the tears cascading down her eyes.  Showing, as opposed to telling, is more descriptive and gives a better picture for what a character looks like and acts.  Similar to life, one should show rather than tell.  And what I mean is that actions speak louder than words; a person should do as opposed to simply say.

 

This weekend, my mother surprised me with a visit at college.  I was shocked when I opened my dorm door and she was standing there.  I had not expected the surprise visit, and I was more than ecstatic to have her with me at college for the weekend.  And, in 33 days from today one of my very best friends will be visiting me as well.  Gestures, such as visits, show how much someone cares.  Now, obviously my mother and my entire family show me how they care and how much they love me; that is not what this blog post is about.  Rather, this blog post is about friendships and realizing who your true friends are.

 

While at college you realize who you are closest with and who will eventually fade away.  My best friends, despite their busy schedules, post things on my wall on Facebook, call me, drop everything to skype with me, write me letters, text me throughout their school year, and inform me about their life at college.  Best friends make an effort to show you that they care about you and that they love you and want you in their life.

 

Some people I consider my friends, but if I were to get hurt by a boy or need someone to vent to or wanted to share my good news, they would be on my list of people to talk to.  I care about them, but since they do not go out of their way for me, I do not make an effort either, and it is mutually understood.  On the other hand, if a good friend hasn’t talked to me in a while, I do not hesitate to call or write them a letter because they have made it known to me that I mean a lot to them and I simply know they are busy.

 

People who have time and time again showed you that they care, really do.  But, if some people only tell you how much they care, they are not putting in enough of an effort to be a very good friend.  If you are doubting how much a friend cares about you, trust your gut, because there’s obviously a reason you feel conflicted about a friendship.  I know someone who has countless times told me they loved me, told me they cared about me, told me they are there for me, and told me I mean so much to said person.  That same person even told me twenty years from now we will be in touch; however, I am skeptical.  The reason for this is simple, this person is all talk and no action.  This person has hurt me in the past, apologized, made excuses, promised to change, and then nothing happens.  And today I realized that I am sick and tired of the words and the promises and the apologies. This person’s words are meaningless to me because there is no action to back them up.  This person’s hollow words have left me feeling bad because I want to believe the words, but every time I end up being let down.  I’ve shown how much I care, I do as I say, I’ve tried to construct a friendship with this person, and it’s trying on my mental state.  In a much earlier post, I vowed to let people go in my life who do not show me that they deserve my friendship, and this may be on of those instances.

Tough As Nails

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After the initial butterflies from first dates, first kisses, and text conversations, stability begins in a relationship.  You know you can call the other person when you are having a rough day, you know how long it takes them to reply to texts, and you get into a rhythm of seeing each other.  The new person in your life becomes part of your schedule, not just physically, but you take time to think about them, and you go out of your way for them: staying up just a little later so you can continue a phone call or surprising them with a visit.  For me, whenever that stage is settling in, I try to remind myself that I can walk away at any point in time, unscathed.  I like to think that I am not attached in the least bit; that I am somehow invincible to any hurt that may come my way.  It’s like a coping mechanism; if someone gets close to me, my vulnerability tells me to run.  But, most times, I do not flee, I get to know the person even better, open myself up more, and together we become entwined into each other’s lives.

After I say I love you, I am no longer a safe distance to walk away unscarred, and at first the feeling is thrilling.  Opening yourself up to someone, trusting someone completely, depending upon someone, needing someone, is exhilarating.  Your heart is not only beating to keep you alive; it’s beating someone’s name with every pulse.  It it invigorating, and surreal and beautiful.

But when petty things get in the way, such as jealousy, lust, or selfishness, the love begins to rust and corrode.  I start to worry, knots take up root in my stomach, my head imagines the worst possible case scenarios, and I start to push away.  If the other person truly feels for me, he doesn’t let me back away easily.  He asks what is on my mind, he tells me he cares, and he means it.  And magically, the love becomes brand new and it sparkles once more.

When a love is lost, I fluctuate between two emotions.  I become either utterly upset.  Tears are constantly threatening me, and I just want to be alone to cry.  I do not want to eat, and I just want to curl up and watch romantic movies so I can tell myself I have a reason to sob.  I reminisce by going through old pictures and I even contemplate talking to the person who I’m crying over just to hear his voice or read his words.  Or, anger boils through my bloodstream, and all I want to do is scream.  I talk to friends and family and I discuss what went wrong and why.  I curse and let my anger erupt.  I rid things of my life that remind me of the relationship that is no longer alive, and I begin to only focus on the negatives of the relationship.

But, no matter what happens, I always try to remind myself that what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger.  It offers me a bright side, that good is coming out of my emotional roller coaster ride.  And after all that I have been through, I like to think that I am as tough as nails.  Nothing can bring me down.

I Can Do Better

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I’ve had feelings bottled up inside me for the past few weeks that have been gnawing at me, and I finally want to let it all out.  I had been dating this guy I had met at college for about a month.  I admit, I thought he was…too good to be true.  He was chivalrous, sweet, thoughtful, observant, funny, and easy to talk to.  And when I got word that he had cheated on me, I have to admit I wasn’t shocked.  I think I had been waiting for  his fallacy to finally reveal itself; I just hadn’t expected it would sting so bad and hurt me.  For the first time in my life, I screamed at someone and was angry.  I cursed at him, and tried to inflict as much pain (verbally of course)  on him as I was feeling in the moment.  Having never been cheated on, emotions flooded me and left me speechless when I had first heard the devastating news.  But, after the initial numbness I felt betrayed, sad, disappointed, upset, furious, stupid, victimized, and ultimately, incredibly mad.

Originally I didn’t tell anyone about the disruption in our relationship.  I had wanted to work through it, past it, and move on, but that was difficult.  Trust is not something that can easily be repaired, once it is broken, it will always remain imperfect.  Picking up where we had left off proved to be futile, and I felt foolish.  I was hesitant to tell my friends and my parents what had happened because I thought I would be judged for being so naive, and letting him off so easily.  After a few days, I decided we should just stay friends.  At first being friends seemed simple enough.  We would text, talk on the phone, hang out, what friends typically do.  And it wasn’t until today, that I have officially ended that friendship because he continued to be friends with the girl he had cheated on me with, and though I had forgiven him, I felt used and worthless and meaningless to him.

I don’t know how he feels about the situation.  In fact, I don’t even know if he realizes we are never going to be friends nor we will ever become boyfriend and girlfriend again.  I didn’t actually speak these words to him.  I just nastily said goodbye over telephone and hung up on him and since have only texted him that he owes me money.  But, instead of feeling foolish or upset, I actually feel relieved, happy, driven, and ready to focus on me.  I’m not losing anything; he proved he was unfaithful, untrustworthy, dishonest, manipulative, and selfish.  He’s the one losing me, and that is a huge loss (not to sound cocky or anything), but I was always honest, loyal, generous, giving, and loving.  And I hope he realizes and recognizes that he’s lost someone incredible in his life.  I deserve better, as so many people have told me.

Forgiving Fools or Kindhearted People?

This past summer me and a very close friend went to an Italian restaurant before I was leaving for college.  We laughed and talked and enjoyed our large portions of pasta and pizza.  Then, after maybe an hour or two, we were both in tears, crying over guys who had hurt us.  She was tearful because a guy she had been dating for six months, who had talked about a future with her, brought up marriage, whose family adored her and said she was good for the guy, had dumped her out of the blue for no apparent reason.  She didn’t want it to be over, but she couldn’t simply wait around for him to be ready.  She was hurt.  I, on the other hand, had been crying over a breakup that though was mutual, wasn’t wanted.  We were both going to colleges far away, we were both still in love and planned on talking and keeping in touch and even saying I love you, but we were free to date other people, and the possibility was there that we’d lose each other.  All in all, my friend and I were two sad girls with broken hearts.

That same guy who tore my friend apart soon began dating another girl yet continued to flirt with my friend and acted as if they were still friends.  But, his new girlfriend forbade him from talking to my friend.  My friend was moving on; she deserved better.  The new girlfriend would give my friend dirty looks and started spreading rumors, as did the guy about my friend.  And to top it off, all three of them work together, so it made for an awkward, maybe even hostile environment at times.  And gossip spreads quickly at the workplace.

A few days ago my friend’s ex was dumped by his girlfriend.  And ever since he’s been falling apart: calling out of work, not showing up, and and being sluggish at work.  His colleagues are not fond of his behavior, and his latest ex wants nothing to do with him.  He called my friend today asking for support, someone to talk, and simply someone who will listen.  My friend is there for him, and always has been despite what he put her through.  He was not there to pick up her tears when she needed it, but she is there to tend to his.

One question that came up when I was talking to my friend was: did she forgive too easily?  This guy doesn’t deserve her, proved he wasn’t loyal, lied to her, and hurt her.  Yet here he is crawling back to her, is she being the bigger person?  Or is she letting him off to easily?

There’s a quote I love: “No one is worth your tears, and the one who is will never make you cry.”  My friend is never going to get back together with this guy, so obviously he is not the one for her, but, nonetheless, he made her cry, so does he even deserve her friendship, her kindness, her loyalty?  He wasn’t there for her, why she should be there for him?

My friend asked me the question, if an ex lover or ex friend needed my help or love or support would I give it, knowing they full well hurt me?  I said yes, and so does this make my friend and I fools, or are we just kind hearted people making the world a better place?

The Bearer of Bad News

The other night the question was posed if a friend was talking behind your back or a boyfriend or girlfriend cheated on you, would you rather have a trusted, good friend tell you or the person that hurt you, tell you?  There are pros and cons to both, for instance if your friend gets their facts wrong, then you worry and get worked up over absolutely nothing.  On the other hand, the person who hurt you may never tell you.  In my opinion, I’d rather have a friend tell me.  My friends look out for me, they support me, they’re incredibly loyal, and I trust them.

I have multiple reasons for my answer.  To begin, if a friend tells me as opposed to the person who hurt me, I can react and be comforted.  If I’m told information and I need to vent, I can do that instantly in my friend’s company.  If I want to break down and cry, then my friend will hold me and comfort me.  If I need time to digest the information and think, my friend will honor my request.  If the person who hurt me tells me the information, most likely, a confrontation will ensue, and I will not feel comfortable reacting in certain ways because trust has been broken, and I’d feel suddenly very uncomfortable and vulnerable in front of the person who has just hurt me.

Another reason why I’d prefer a friend tell me is so I have this information and do not look like a fool.  If someone hurts me and decides not to be honest and tell me what happened, I have my ammunition.  I can confront the person, and nothing will be hidden from me.  Another reason is, if someone hurts you and he or she tells you first, said person can describe what happened in whatever manner they’d like.  The person can candy-coat the situation and make it not sound as bad, they can completely lie to you , or they can make it hurt even more.  A friend will be unbiased, and simply say what he or she saw or heard.  A friend will tell it matter of factly.

The bottom line is, I’d rather know than be in the dark.  But, if I have my choice in the matter, I’d want a friend to be the bearer of bad news.

 

“Don’t rain on my parade, it’s gonna glow in the dark.
I like it better when you can’t keep warm.
Don’t ruin a perfect thing, a perfect thing.
The boy on the blue moon dreams of sun.”

   – Pierce the Veil