Guide to a Breakup

Breakups suck.  But how does one deal with a breakup other than buying pints of ice-cream bing watching chick flicks, like The Notebook, and The Vow, and He’s Just Not That Into You all the while playing pop heartbreak songs in the background?  Well, since one of my good friends is sadly coping with a breakup and another one of my friend’s is finally acknowledging and dealing with a breakup, I think the world needs a guide to breakups.

1.  If the breakup was bad, or you got hurt, or it wasn’t mutual (which it normally isn’t), erase this person’s number from your phone (and unfriend him or her on the Facebook if you may ever be inclined to message them).  This way temptation to talk to the person that hurt you is reduced and no drunken texts will occur.  Cutting off communication may be tough in the beginning but it makes moving on easier.

 

2.  Spend time with your friends again.  Did you miss any movie nights because it was date night?  Well don’t mope around your place alone, immerse yourself in your friendships again because your friends are the people who make you laugh, listen to you, and love you no matter what.  You will automatically be in a good mood, and positivity is what you need post breakup.

 

3.  Talk about it.  That’s what your friends are here for.  But, depending on how long the relationship was, you should give yourself a grace period of how long you can discuss it.  This is out of politeness to your friends because they will offer advice and be the ear when needed, but don’t rehash the same things over and over again and talk about it because you’re wallowing in sadness.  Just know that if you were only together a week, and things ended, you don’t get six months to talk about the breakup.  Plenty of other things have happened since then.  Essentially, don’t talk it to death.

 

4.  Enjoy being single.  Don’t think you need someone to complete you or that couples make you sick and you’re the only single person out there.  Being single rocks, you don’t have to answer to anyone, you get to do you, plan your schedule around you.  The world finally revolves around you again, so eat it up.

 

5.  Express yourself.  Talking about your feelings is one thing, but let your rage, sadness, or frustration out in other ways.  Use the breakup as inspiration and motivation to do something awesome in life.  You don’t want the breakup to hold you back.

 

6.  Keep in mind a few mantras: if it’s meant to be it will work out in the end; an ex is an ex for a reason, and it’s better to have loved and lost then to have never loved at all.  The first two will remind you that the breakup was needed, so you don’t go thinking after a few months that you should mend things and try again.  Those are exceptions to relationships, but for the most part, you shouldn’t try to make a relationship work after it failed once.  And the last mantra is to remind you that life is short, and if you experience love, however briefly, and you enjoy someone’s company and know what it’s like to be vulnerable, you learn something about yourself.  YOLO, so do and be all that you can.

 

7.  Try something new at least once a week.  After a breakup, you don’t want to get into a mundane routine which gets you missing the person because he or she used to be part of said routine.  Since you’re single you can do things on a whim, be spontaneous, and go crazy every now and then, so take advantage of that.

 

8.  Remember that this is a breakup and not the end of the world.  You’re still alive, life is good, you can move on.  Don’t be too dramatic and don’t become cynical or pessimistic about relationships.  Breakups are a part of life because finding the right person takes time and is a guess and check process.

 

9.  Take your time in being alone.  You shouldn’t surround yourself with people constantly to avoid thinking about your ex and addressing your feelings.  Being able to be alone and happy is a learned phenomenon but a necessary one to be happy with yourself as a person.  And when you are alone, face your feelings because ignoring them won’t make them go away.

 

10.  Be sure to smile.  Don’t let your inner turmoil turn you into a negative nancy or a debbie downer.  You’re beautiful and your smile is your best accessory.  You might make someone’s day, you might catch someone’s eye, and universe forbid you run into your ex; you’ll look like you’ve got your life together.  A smile goes a long way.

Reality Check

Going to college is like living in your own little bubble.  Your priorities are school, your health, and maintaining and building relationships (not necessarily in that order for everyone).  Your biggest worries are maybe the paper you need to write, that interview on Friday, when was the last time you went to the gym?, laundry is piling up and clean underwear sounds pleasant, what are your plans this Saturday night, and why isn’t that guy responding to your texts.  All of those “issues” seem so relevant in college because that makes up your existence.

But, sometimes, especially myself, a good reality check is needed and necessary to help keep in mind, there’s life outside of college and the world doesn’t revolve around my selfish life.  Especially as teenagers and young adults, we’re intrinsically self-centered, and when life decides to show you that’s not how it should be, it can be extremely eye opening, shocking, upsetting, and a plethora of other emotions.

I’ve had two recent reality checks, the first made more of an impact, though, but I’d like to discuss both.  A friend had texted me that there was a message on Facebook from her, and when I read it, I should be sitting down.  I assumed it was about she and her boyfriend, so while amongst a group of friends I proceeded to read a devastating tale about a friend I used to work with.  Said friend had suffered a heart attack, several mini strokes, a blood clot in her head, and wasn’t breathing on her own.  I called my friend and proceeded to repeat the phrases, “I can’t believe it” and “Oh my gosh,” for twenty minutes and then as I cried a close friend comforted me for about an hour.

Earlier that day I was frustrated because classes had been cancelled and I had work to finish that could no longer work on.  I was worried about upcoming events and deadlines.  I was just existing in my bubble, and this terrible news, it shook me.  Life is so fragile, and in an instant it can be severed or change forever.  Luckily, my friend is doing so much better, breathing on her own, posting things on Facebook, and recovering, and I am so thankful.  Sometimes in college, I forget to take the time to care for my friends and family that aren’t with me.  I can get so caught up in the now, and my life, that birthdays slip by unnoticed, writing letters gets put on the back burner, making phone calls just seems to take up too much time from my life.  And that shouldn’t be the case because you can’t get time back and you don’t want to regret not talking to someone or telling someone you love them because you were living in your bubble.

Today in my Nonfiction II class, we discussed minimum wage jobs, welfare, and economic status because we had just read a passage from Barbara Ehrenreich’s book, Nickel and Dimed: On (Not) Getting By In America.  The information is unsettling.  How do single mothers work two jobs and pay rent and buy groceries to feed their children?  How can anyone work two jobs, barely sleeping, barely getting by, and just to survive?  How do people manage to stay positive about life while suffering this special kind of miserable penury?  I don’t know, and this reading, really shook me.  I am so grateful that I am even going to college and receiving an incredible education because not everyone has that opportunity because of finances.  I know I complain that some of my friends have things handed to them (cars, college tuition is paid for, rent is covered by their parents, etc), but just the fact that I am here means a lot to me.  I’m fortunate that I don’t have to work and put myself through school (I’ll just be in debt when I graduate).  I may not be swimming in money, but I have a meal plan that supplies me with food every day, I have a comfortable dorm, and am living with a friend, and I have transportation to get me places, and I can afford extra items, such as frozen yogurt when I crave it or a blazer for a job interview.

We all have our selfish moments and sometimes we merely exist in our own little world, but in the bigger scheme of things, nothing is as bad as it seems.  Though we think our problems are massive and terrible, somewhere out there someone has it so much worse.  So next time I am stressing over a paper I need to write, I am going to take the time to appreciate that I’m learning at college and have the opportunity to gain an education by writing this paper.  Reality check: I don’t have reason to complain.

Let’s Think a Little

Let me pose a question: when was the last time you simply sat and thought?  Most likely you either can’t remember or you’re making a conjecture and rationalizing why you haven’t done so recently.  We live in a world in which hectic schedules, being busy, and always having something to do is essential.  Boredom is a long lost word to me; I’m never bored anymore, simply busy.  This isn’t necessarily a bad thing; however, we must all make time to think and ponder and reflect.  It’s really a lost art.  When was the last time you saw someone sitting outside simply being?  This is a rare site for me and usually if someone is doing so; it’s considered an oddity.

 

We live in a world where connection is everything.  If you’re riding the bus somewhere, you shouldn’t just sit there: you should be reading emails on your iPhone, texting people, checking Facebook, instagramming, scrolling through Twitter, playing a game, or utilizing one of your various apps.  When you’re home alone at night, you shouldn’t just shift through your thoughts, you need to be messaging folks on Facebook, wasting time on the internet: finding ridiculous videos on youtube and cracking up over pictures of cats.  We have this need to stay connected to others; rather than connecting with ourselves.  We’re conditioned to remove boredom from our lives and thusly conditioned to spend less time thinking.

 

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If you were to watch people, you’d notice that we all act as if we have somewhere to be, something to do, someone to see.  People who walk by me on the street, walk with a purpose, their strides quick.  Peers in my classes rush out of the room to take phone calls and sit there and text because they just have to be connected to others while learning.  Even when I’m with certain friends, all I can do is sit and think about what I have to get done and sometimes I’m so bad that I watch the clock because I’ve got things to do.  We’re all guilty of focusing more on our actions and schedules as opposed to involving ourselves in the moment and thinking about what’s happening around us or what has happened, or simply letting our minds wander.  We live in a world of distractions that not only encourage but make it cool to multi-task and connect.  No wonder this line of thinking has spilled from technology into our everyday lives.

 

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I challenge everyone, including myself, to take time and think.  Stop and the smell roses and appreciate life, relive memories, think about someone, let your imagination wander, analyze something, and just be in the moment and don’t do anything else: just think.  I’m sure it’ll be difficult, because at first you’ll feel silly, you’ll want to check your phone to know what time it is, your to-do list will race through your mind, you’ll think about some meeting you have, which friend you’re seeing tonight, when you should call so-and-so back, what you should have for dinner, etc.  Don’t think about these things.  Don’t get distracted by the distractions that disrupt tranquil thoughts. Try to appreciate life, listen to what’s going on around you, take in the smells, try to see something you never knew was there before; think, be, live in the moment.

 

Cellphones

Cellphones: you can’t live with them and you can’t live without them.  Sometimes, I admit, they come in handy: when I’m lost somewhere and need to call my mom and get directions, when I’m shopping and need to double check something at home, or when a friend is coming over and I need them to text me when they are on their way.  However, at the same time, I despise cell phones.  I hate that I can be reached at all hours of the day wherever I venture.  I hate that people text instead of call.  I hate that cellphones are now like mini laptops with your life in the palm of your hand.  Why does one need to check Facebook while they are at a concert, for example, the website will be there when you return?  I think cellphones needs to regress.

 

Progress is defined as growth or development or improvement.  And as many of you have seen, cellphone commercials boast of improvement: you can now take high quality pictures and videos with your cellphones, your cellphone is basically indestructible, you have your own wireless 4G network, you can access your email, Facebook, Twitter, Vine, and other social media sites on your cellphone, the keyboard of your phone allows for quick texting, and you can now video-chat using your cellphone.  Congratulations technology!  BUT, is this really progress?  People are so attached to their cellphones it’s disgusting.  If you were to walk into a room, anywhere, you’d see the majority of people perusing their cellphones for no reason other than to kill time.  Teenagers no longer talk on the phone they text each other in acronym infused language.  People freak out if their cellphone cannot be located as if their world is ending.  People everywhere are tuning out of the moment, the here and now, to be on their cellphones: instagramming the meal they are eating, texting a friend whilst driving, updating their Facebook status so everyone knows where they are, and playing games on their cellphone to pass the time.

 

I guess it’s not so much that I hate cellphones, I just hate what they have become and what they have done to people and society.  We have laws banning texting and driving because so many people are getting into car accidents because of their careless need to text while at the wheel.  Thank you cellphones.  When I hang out with my friends, they’ll sometimes text other people when I am right there simply because their phone is buzzing and answering the text is more important than talking and listening to me.  Thank you cellphones.  People now expect you to return a text or answer your phone  immediately as if everyone watches their phone nonstop in case it goes off because our lives now revolve around cellphones.  Thank you cellphones.

 

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