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I’ve had feelings bottled up inside me for the past few weeks that have been gnawing at me, and I finally want to let it all out. I had been dating this guy I had met at college for about a month. I admit, I thought he was…too good to be true. He was chivalrous, sweet, thoughtful, observant, funny, and easy to talk to. And when I got word that he had cheated on me, I have to admit I wasn’t shocked. I think I had been waiting for his fallacy to finally reveal itself; I just hadn’t expected it would sting so bad and hurt me. For the first time in my life, I screamed at someone and was angry. I cursed at him, and tried to inflict as much pain (verbally of course) on him as I was feeling in the moment. Having never been cheated on, emotions flooded me and left me speechless when I had first heard the devastating news. But, after the initial numbness I felt betrayed, sad, disappointed, upset, furious, stupid, victimized, and ultimately, incredibly mad.
Originally I didn’t tell anyone about the disruption in our relationship. I had wanted to work through it, past it, and move on, but that was difficult. Trust is not something that can easily be repaired, once it is broken, it will always remain imperfect. Picking up where we had left off proved to be futile, and I felt foolish. I was hesitant to tell my friends and my parents what had happened because I thought I would be judged for being so naive, and letting him off so easily. After a few days, I decided we should just stay friends. At first being friends seemed simple enough. We would text, talk on the phone, hang out, what friends typically do. And it wasn’t until today, that I have officially ended that friendship because he continued to be friends with the girl he had cheated on me with, and though I had forgiven him, I felt used and worthless and meaningless to him.
I don’t know how he feels about the situation. In fact, I don’t even know if he realizes we are never going to be friends nor we will ever become boyfriend and girlfriend again. I didn’t actually speak these words to him. I just nastily said goodbye over telephone and hung up on him and since have only texted him that he owes me money. But, instead of feeling foolish or upset, I actually feel relieved, happy, driven, and ready to focus on me. I’m not losing anything; he proved he was unfaithful, untrustworthy, dishonest, manipulative, and selfish. He’s the one losing me, and that is a huge loss (not to sound cocky or anything), but I was always honest, loyal, generous, giving, and loving. And I hope he realizes and recognizes that he’s lost someone incredible in his life. I deserve better, as so many people have told me.
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